ADHD Parenting: Embracing Imperfection and Finding Joy

Parenting an ADHD child isn’t easy, but letting go of expectations can bring joy and progress. Read one parent’s journey and learn strategies to support your child with ADHD while building connection and celebrating small wins.

Before I had my daughter, I imagined what parenting would look like: fun family traditions, enjoying time together, and the thrill of helping her with schoolwork (I am a special education teacher, after all!). I pictured us being close, sharing interests, and living happily ever after. Beautiful, right? Needless to say, that’s not exactly how it turned out. Parenting has been messier and more complicated than I ever imagined—and that’s okay. It’s still beautiful, just in a “perfectly imperfect” kind of way.

Fast forward a few years, add an ADHD diagnosis (along with a few other challenges), and here we are. My daughter is wonderful—funny, caring, and incredibly loving—but she’s also not what most people would call an “easy” child. For my husband and me, learning to let go of our expectations has been a journey. It’s not easy, and honestly, it’s something I have to keep working on every day.

Why Letting Go of Expectations is Hard

I’ve realized that much of my frustration comes from comparing my daughter to other kids—or worse, to myself as a child. I was that kid who was always ready to go in the morning with a smile, who got started on homework right away, and hardly ever talked back. But our kids with ADHD aren’t us, and they’re certainly not like our friends’ neurotypical kids. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you also have a child with ADHD who might be wired a bit differently. The sooner we accept that, the better. Instead of focusing on what they “should” be doing, we can see who they actually are and where they are right now.

Learning Not to Compare My ADHD Child

I know it’s natural to want to compare your child to others, especially if they have siblings or friends who seem more together. But the best approach I’ve found is to compare your child only to themselves. Are they making progress, even in small, gradual steps? Can you look back a few months or a year and see growth, even if it’s slight? Sometimes it’s hard to see, especially when we’re in the thick of it every day. But they are growing, and that progress deserves to be celebrated.

In letting go of expectations, I’ve had to do some soul-searching of my own. I’ve reflected on my childhood and my relationships with my parents. As a special education teacher, I have a unique perspective on my daughter’s strengths and challenges. My husband, who is incredibly smart and didn’t struggle in the same ways as our daughter, finds this part harder because he has no real frame of reference. We’ve both had to take a deeper dive into our own childhood experiences and take a closer look at our own parents and how they raised us. The traditional parenting that we grew up with don’t align with the best parenting practices for our daughter with ADHD.

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Focusing on Small Wins

One thing I keep coming back to is this: Is my child happy? Are we connected? (see more about The Power of Connection in this post) Are we building the skills she’ll need to live a fulfilling life? These questions help ground me and focus on what’s truly important.

This doesn’t mean we don’t help our child grow. Accepting where they are doesn’t mean we stop helping them get better. Think about the areas that need improving, and look for ways to help them grow in those areas. What are they already doing well? What could use some work? For instance, maybe they need to work on their flexibility. Pick one or two areas and come up with strategies to help them improve. Try not to tackle too many things at once, as it can overwhelm both our kids and us.

So, to all the parents who feel like their child with ADHD should be doing this or that by now, or who feel pressured to make their child “fit” certain expectations—let that go. Look at who your child is right now, not who they “should” be. Celebrate the small wins and find joy in their unique progress. Help them keep growing and thriving into happy, healthy adults.

Parenting is hard. Pressures and expectations come at us from every direction, and it’s exhausting. Don’t add to that stress by focusing on what your child isn’t doing yet. Look at them with love for who they are right now, because they are incredible. They may not be the kids you imagined when you started this journey, but they’re yours. And if they’re happy, making connections, and learning in their own unique way, then you’re both exactly where you’re meant to be.

If you’re on a similar journey, share your story or a tip that’s worked for your family in the comments.